Welcome to heartbreak.

I feel like I can't escape this heart ache.

Every time I feel like I am finally starting to get happy, something happens that hurts me all over again. I'm tired of feeling this way.

I've loved like I should but lived like I shouldn't
I had to lose everything to find out
Maybe forgiveness will find me
Somewhere down this road

I don't want to be alone.

God, I hate how I feel like I need to depend on people. But I'm not used to being by myself ... I'm sad. I'm upset. I'm hurt ... I just want to be happy. Is that too much to ask.

Maybe it's just, I've cried so much
I'm tired and I'm numb, baby, I hate it.

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breathe.

I really need to study.
But my brain is fried.

I wish.


Damn, life used to be real simple. Even in high school, it was nothing compared to this. Don't get me wrong, I love college, I just hate school ... well school's not that bad ... chemistry is bad. And chemistry being bad makes me fall behind in my other classes. I shouldn't have to skip other classes so I can get chemistry done. It sucks. I knew it was going to be hard but damn.


It actually makes me wonder what I want to do with my life. If I want to change my career goals around. If I'm not flying through general chemistry, how the hell am I going to make it through orgo and orgo 2? I know good things don't come easy, but come on ... I'm not even going to get there at this pace.


I've wanted to be a veterinarian all my life ... it's been my dream since I was little. Now I feel like I have to give it up because I can barely get through my freshman year of college. I can't even imagine how the next three years are going to be. I'm working my ass off and it's not even paying off. I feel like I am trying for no reason, it's not getting me anywhere. So what am I supposed to do? I couldn't even imagine doing anything different than being a veterinarian, or even not being in the medical field at all but it's all about chemistry and that is not going well.


What to do.


I'm terrified I'm not going to end up happy if I can't be a veterinarian, or not even get in to vet school at all. But in another sense, I feel like I'll be happy in whatever I do ... It's definitely a learning process, definitely a journey but a tough one at that.


I'm procrastinating. Back to studying ... like it'll help.

sweetlife.

FUCK love.

FUCK you for giving up on me.

You know what? Someday somebody is going to thank you for letting me go.

You're not going to bring me down anymore.

Have fun with that new skank of a girl you have. It's nice to know you down graded.

I'll be okay.

You can't always wait for the perfect time. Sometimes you just dare to do it because life's too short to wonder what could have been.

I think I realized something today. I have been spending the past six months being upset and feeling sorry for myself because of everything that has happened. Six months. I finally realized I have spent half of my first year in college upset. Wow, really? Six months of my life spent being sad. That is crazy to me. That is not me. I am such a happy person, why would I do that to myself. Okay, yes I had all the reason to be upset in September when everything happened but why am I still upset? These years are supposed to be the best years of my life and they're just wasting away. I need to realize the good things in life and not reminisce on the bad. What's the point? It's not going to change the past. I can't sit around feeling sorry for myself hoping things would be different. For once in the past six months I can finally say, I am happy.

I think I came to realize this because I am finally able to talk to him. As friends. And I am okay with that. Yes, I still love him and I'm sure I always will. He was my first love so he is always going to have a place in my heart. But I am finally okay with talking to him as friends. Not saying I could hang out with him necessarily but I feel like that's reasonable, given the circumstances. But talking to him is so nice. He was my best friend and I feel like in a way I got that back. I also realized that everybody I meet is not going to leave me. I have friends who love me. I have an ex-boyfriend, despite everything that has happened, who still wants to talk to me. I have an amazing family. I have incredible sorority sisters who I know would do anything for me. I am lucky. Okay, fine, I wish I was doing better in school but hey, I'm trying and that is all I can do. I am happy. And I can finally say that and mean it.

And to add to all this, my sorority sister and really good friend said to me last night, "It's okay. We've all had shit happen. It was the past, and hopefully you can move on from your mistake. I love you and that wont change." I don't think she realized how much that meant to me. It made me realize that not everyone is going to judge me on my mistakes and they're still going to love me no matter what. I just have to move on and learn from it. So thank you. I love you.

Everything will be okay.

They're gone, they're broken.

So it's not gonna be easy. It's gonna be really hard. We're gonna have to work at this every day, but I want to do that because I want you. I want all of you, forever, you and me, every day.

Now you know that I want to give you all the things that you want, right? But I can't, because they're gone, they're broken.

I could be whatever you want. You just tell me what you want, and I'm gonna be that for you.

It was real, wasn't it? You and me. Such a long time ago, we were just a couple of kids. But we really loved each other, didn't we? 

It's not about following your heart and it's not about keeping your promises. It's about security.

Would you stop thinking about what everyone wants? Stop thinking about what I want, what he wants, what your parents want. What do you want?

If you're a bird I'm a bird.

It's normal not to forget your first love.

Look, a woman know when a man looks into her eyes and sees someone else.

I've loved another with all my heart and soul; and to me, this has always been enough.

That's my sweetheart in there. Wherever she is, that's where my home is.

Do you think our love, can take us away together?
I think our love can do anything we want it to. 

They didn't agree on much. In fact they rarely agreed on anything. They fought all the time and they challenged each other everyday but in spite their differences, they had one important thing in common, they were crazy about each other.

'Cause I might know you a little better than you think. And I don't want you waking up one morning thinking if you'd known everything you might have done something different.

Summer romances begin for all kinds of reasons, but when all is said and done, they have one thing in common. They're shooting stars, a spectacular moment of light in the heavens, fleeting glimpse of eternity, and in a flash they're gone.

My Dearest Allie. I couldn't sleep last night because I know that it's over between us. I'm not bitter anymore, because I know that what we had was real. And if in some distant place in the future we see each other in our new lives, I'll smile at you with joy and remember how we spent the summer beneath the trees, learning from each other and growing in love. The best love is the kind that awakens the soul and makes us reach for more, that plants a fire in our hearts and brings peace to our minds, and that's what you've given me. That's what I hope to give to you forever. I love you. I'll be seeing you. Noah.

What do you want from me?

Sometimes I wonder if maybe we’ll ever get back together, and then I realize that we’ll never really be over. In a way, it hasn’t changed, but it some ways, it has. It’s not that we aren’t meant for each other, I think it’s just maybe we aren’t ready for forever.

I'm at a loss for words.

I try not to look at your page that much, because I am afraid of what I might see. I knew eventually you would have something on there that I wouldn't like, I just had no idea how it would make me feel. To be honest, I don't know how I feel. Sometimes I feel nothing. Sometimes I get sad. Sometimes I get mad. And other times, I am happy you are doing well. What am i supposed to feel? So many emotions are taking over.

But you know what I don't understand? I see those things on your page last night, I go through the whole day going over my emotions, trying to understand what I'm feeling, trying to figure out how to deal with what I saw, and you txtd me. It's like you knew I saw what I saw last night. It's like, you wanted to make sure I was okay. We didn't talk about it though. I'm not going to bring it up, and I know you wont. We are just talking about the usual stuff. "How's school?" "What have you been up to?" The funny thing is, you asked me if I wanted to play this game with you on our phones. It's kind of like scrabble, so we go back and forth spelling out different words. Of course, me thinking too much into it, realized that this is going to be a daily reminder of you. But not in a bad way, we're just playing a game. I don't know what I'm feeling. This whole paragraph probably doesn't even make sense. So many feelings, so many thoughts, I can't even focus.

I want people to know I am happy, but I am also sad at the same time.

I'm trying to figure it out. It's a weird feeling.

I am extremely grateful for the people I have in my life.

The people that have stayed, and to people I have just met.

Thank you for keeping me sane.

I love all of you.

Maybe it's time to change.

There could never be a more beautiful you.

 How do you write about feathers? The magic of dreamcatchers? The art of dreaming? How do you write about nightmares that haunt you? Ghosts from your past? Clouds in the sky? The swirls of smoke from a cigarette? The blood that rushes thought you? Your heart beating? I want to tell you about my demons. The thoughts that lurk in the back of my mind. The things I see in the shadows. My innermost wishes. My vices, my faults. Everything that makes me who I am.

  

There could never be a more beautiful you.
Don't buy the lies disguises and hoops they make you jump through.
You were made to fill a purpose that only you could do.
So there could never be a more beautiful you.

What do I do with all I need to say
So much I wanna tell you everyday
Oh it breaks my heart,
I cry these tears in the dark
I write these letters to you,
But they get lost in the blue,
'Cause there's no address in the stars.

I can see from across the room
There's a tear in your storied eye
I was leaving but I'm coming back
Since your heart's in beat with mine
That Mark didn't do you right
When he left in your best friend's ride
With the face of angel, girl
You deserve to be treated more than right.

I know my heart will never be the same
But I'm telling myself I'll be okay
Even on my weakest days
I get a little bit stronger.

So this is me swallowing my pride
Standing in front of you, saying I'm sorry for that night
And I go back to December all the time.

Why'd you call me today with nothing new to say?
You pretend it's just hello, 
but you know what it does to me to see your number on the phone. 
Now tell me, what do you want? What do you want? What do you want from me? Are you tryin' to bring back the tears or just the memories?
You keep takin' me back, takin' me back where I've already been.
When we hang up it's almost like I'm losing you again.
Can't you see? So what do you want, what do you want from me?

Why can't they understand the way we feel?
They just don't trust what they can't explain.
I know we're different but, deep inside us,
We're not that different at all.

And I know that I'm drunk but I'll say the words
And she'll listen this time even though their slurred
Dialed her number and confess to her
I'm still in love but all i heard was nothing.